Intriguing! I think, if you can, it might be good to put a little more information about the character in your pitch. I don't know anything about her other than that she works at the circus. I really want to know how old she is.
Oh, wow. This is honestly the best pitch I've come across so far. For 140 characters, I think you've nailed it. Fantastic and compelling ^_^ best of luck to you!
Ooooooooooooh, that's good. Creepy and you pack in a lot of info without making it too obvious. The inclusion of the circus outfit lets us know a lot w/out having to read a lot. Nice job! I'm in the contest too!
Love everything except 'she doesn’t realize she's the one trying to warn herself' if only b/c it made me go '...wait. What?' But I'm still intrigued and I'd want to read more about it.
I don't know if her last name is really conductive to the pitch. I've been seeing several with just first name and they sound okay. Otherwise, I love a good circus story.
I LOVE the way you've been able to add a twist IN the pitch! :D That was awesome! I'd only take out her last name so I could remove the colon and use the word "that". Smoother, no?
I like it! The threat of "you're next" is very clear. I'm a little fuzzier on how she can't know she's leaving herself the notes. Maybe hint at them being in her handwriting?
It's perfect until I hit the "she's next" - she's next for what? Promotion? Murder? Aha - maybe that's you're strategy - intrigue us and leave us hanging!
"...she doesn’t realize she’s the one trying to warn herself: she's next."
I don't get how she's warning herself. I'm a bit confused. I get the part that she's next (whatever that may be-to be killed, hurt) but I guess some clarity on the above would help me.
The first half is exceptionally perfect, but the second could use work. I think saying she's the one leaving the notes is too much. Maybe you could say: "The notes affirm what deep down she's always known: she's next." That's not perfect, but you get the idea.
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Intriguing! I think, if you can, it might be good to put a little more information about the character in your pitch. I don't know anything about her other than that she works at the circus. I really want to know how old she is.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow. This is honestly the best pitch I've come across so far. For 140 characters, I think you've nailed it. Fantastic and compelling ^_^ best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteOoooooooooooh, that's good. Creepy and you pack in a lot of info without making it too obvious. The inclusion of the circus outfit lets us know a lot w/out having to read a lot. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI'm in the contest too!
Love everything except 'she doesn’t realize she's the one trying to warn herself' if only b/c it made me go '...wait. What?' But I'm still intrigued and I'd want to read more about it.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if her last name is really conductive to the pitch. I've been seeing several with just first name and they sound okay. Otherwise, I love a good circus story.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the way you've been able to add a twist IN the pitch! :D That was awesome! I'd only take out her last name so I could remove the colon and use the word "that". Smoother, no?
ReplyDeleteWOW. Love it. :)
Love the concept and the twist, but the delivery in the second clause felt awkward to me. Perhaps try something like:
ReplyDelete"What Gracie doesn't know when she finds threatening notes in her circus costume, is that she’s trying to warn herself and she’s next."
Love it! I think you nailed it. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteFanatastic! I don't have anything to add.
ReplyDeleteI love it! I agree with Bethany's suggestions, but it's totally intriguing!
ReplyDeleteI like it! The threat of "you're next" is very clear. I'm a little fuzzier on how she can't know she's leaving herself the notes. Maybe hint at them being in her handwriting?
ReplyDeleteVery compelling. Multiple personalities, perhaps? Or something sinister that she's blocking. Great pitch.
ReplyDeleteIt's perfect until I hit the "she's next" - she's next for what? Promotion? Murder? Aha - maybe that's you're strategy - intrigue us and leave us hanging!
ReplyDelete"...she doesn’t realize she’s the one trying to warn herself: she's next."
ReplyDeleteI don't get how she's warning herself. I'm a bit confused. I get the part that she's next (whatever that may be-to be killed, hurt) but I guess some clarity on the above would help me.
Good luck.
Personally, I think it's perfect! Good job! I'm hooked! Good luck in the contest!! :)
ReplyDeleteReally love this. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe first half is exceptionally perfect, but the second could use work. I think saying she's the one leaving the notes is too much. Maybe you could say: "The notes affirm what deep down she's always known: she's next." That's not perfect, but you get the idea.
ReplyDeletesuspense, pending doom, and the circus...i can almost smell the elephant poop...when can i start reading?
ReplyDeletedouglas esper
If you're implying that she has multiple personalities, and one of them is warning her...fabulous! I liked it. It piques my interest, a lot!
ReplyDeleteThanks for participating! I love this. It has me asking all sorts of questions and I really want answers! I wouldn't change a thing.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Oh, this is great. Gracie Hart! I'll admit I thought of Miss Congeniality ;o)
ReplyDeleteI would lose the colon, but other than that, it's really great. Nice job!
Really nice job.
ReplyDeleteI loved this! Great suspense and a nice creepy hook. I'd totally read pages!
ReplyDelete