My Birth Control

My in-laws just came for a visit with their 6 yo, 3yo, and 12 month baby. One of the things they wanted to do was “Disney World.”

It seems that many people do not realize that Disney World is actually FOUR theme parks. The theme park with Cinderella’s castle and that most resembles Disneyland is actually called “Magic Kingdom.”  The others are Animal Kingdom, Epcot, and Hollywood Studios.

Each theme park is broken down further by similarly themed attractions. For example, in Magic Kingdom there is “Tomorrow Land” and “Fantasy Land” and “Adventure Land.”

I have no idea why they purchased Hopper passes (allows you to visit multiple parks in a single day and costs about $20 extra per day per ticket) because we couldn’t even make it through a single LAND at the Magic Kingdom let alone the whole theme park.

We spend 3 days total at Disney World, one day in each of the parks, except for Epcot.

Each day went like this plus or minus 20 minutes:

7:30 The kids are wide awake despite the fact that it’s technically 5:30 in their old time zone. Jet lag has no effect on them. They scream demands incessantly and argue over who gets to play with the Ipad rather than getting dressed.

8:00-8:20  My husband and I wake up and get dressed, pack lunch, and are ready to leave.

8:30 Kids start eating breakfast

9:30 Everyone is dressed but Mom of Kids is still packing lunches. Park opened half an hour ago and it’s an hour and a half drive from our house to Orlando.

10:30 We are all in car and out the door.

11:30 Stop at the side of the road and buy Gator Jerky, boiled peanuts, and a bag of Florida oranges for the road. Or fill up with gas. Or pick up some important forgotten item  at the store on our way out.

I actually love how efficient Disney parking is.

12:00  Arrive at the theme park parking lot. 3yo says he has to pee and is doing the dance even though he went before leaving the house. We are in the parking lot where there isn’t a bathroom and he refuses to go behind the back of the car.  (Seriously this kid has a straight tube for a bladder.)

12:15 Arrive at front gate. Dad of Kids rushes 3yo to bathroom. Barely makes it in time. 6 yo says she has to pee now. Wait some more. Mom decides to check yo’s diaper. It’s dirty.

1:00 In the park. (I’ll use Magic Kingdom for my example.)

1:15 Castle show. 6 yo liked.  3yo bored after 7 minutes and crying because dad left the Ipad in the car.

1:30 Attraction: Monster’s Inc. Laugh Floor, 25 minute wait.  Grab Fast Pass for Buzz Light year.

2:00 Lunch time. $9 for a hamburger and fries plus $3 for a drink—per person.

3:00 Attraction: It’s a Small World, 20 minute wait (This is actually in Fantasy Land, right next to Tomorrow Land.)

3:30 Bathroom break

4:00 (Yes, it does take a half hour to apparently change diapers and to convince the 3yo he needs to go potty.) Listen to 3 yo cry because we’re not going on the carousel because we have to get back to use the Buzz Light Year fast pass.

4:15 Attraction:  Buzz Light Year ride, 10 minute wait with FP

4:30  Snack time. Ice Cream and whatever mom packed in cooler.

5:00 Attraction: People Mover, 10 minute wait. Grab Fast Pass for Space Mountain.

Lawn mower engine go-karts on a track.

5:15 Tomorrow Land Speedway, 30 minute wait

5:45 3 yo still crying because 6 yo got a “Driver License” card from one of the  Disney attraction workers  and he didn’t.

6:00 Go to Fantasy Land to ride carousel to get 3yo to shut up.

6:15 Attraction: Prince Charming’s Carousel. Husband and I go to Phillarmagic 4D show because it’s air conditioned and you get to sit down.

4D means it's in 3D and it spits water/air at you and sometimes stinky/nice scents.

6:30 In-laws and kids decide they want to see the show too.

6:45 Back to Tomorrow Land because there’s no way we’re waiting 90 minutes to go on “Winnie the Pooh” or “Peter Pan’s Flight” and kids are too fussy to walk to anything on the other side of the park.

Rotating theater featuring an antimatronics show from 1964.

7:00 1 yo is sleeping so kids go on Carousel of Progress  with Dad of Kids while Mom of Kids sits with stroller.

7:30 Space Mountain with Fast Pass. 3 yo cries because he’s too short.

8:00 Other parent goes on Space Mountain. 3 yo cries again. Fireworks show. 

Best ride in the park.

8:15 Walk down Main Street, browsing shops on the way out.

8:30 Bathroom break before car ride back. 3yo refuses to go.

9:00  Leave park. Mom and Dad too annoyed wit their own kids to stay for electrical parade.

Sorry Pete, 3yo would rather watch Spiderman 3 in the car's DVD player. Seriously, who needs to spend a few thousand dollars on a vacation when it seems the kids are just as happy watching TV in the hotel all day rather than in the park.

10:30 Arrive back at house. 3yo noisy all the way home. 1 yo cries half the ride home.  I now understand why serial killers start with animals and small children.

10:45 My bubble bath time, where I strangle my loofah sponge with all my balled up anger until it resembles dehydrated fruit.With my last bit of sanity, I remind myself to call my doctor tomorrow and have her make me an appointment to have my tubes tied.

It Really Sucks!

My vacuum cleaner, I mean, not my birthday which has been more than AWESOME!

I turned 27 today. Nothing special about the number really. At 25 my insurance company lowered my premium. Apparently even though I've held a commercial driver's license since I turned 19 and actually got paid to drive a 40 foot vehicle loaded with children in it, I'm still a higher insurance risk than a 21- year-old married man.So sexist and unfair.

So, my husband has this thing about giving me birthday and Christmas gifts—which is that they should be mostly impractical.

Last Christmas, I told him I wanted a new vacuum cleaner. He scoffed, “I’ll buy you a new vacuum cleaner on a Tuesday.” 

I replied, “What if it’s the Dyson DC25 All Floors Ball vacuum, and it costs 400  dollars?” 

We went out and bought the vacuum, on a Wednesday. Then “for Christmas” he ordered a bunch of books from my Amazon wishlist.

 For my birthday, any gift has to be *especially* frivolous. It took some thought since I really do like getting practical gifts, especially books,  but I know its less exciting for him to give them. Luckily,  I managed to come up with the perfect gift. 

There’s a store in the mall that always sells beautiful clothes, but I’ve never allowed myself to spend money there because they’re really expensive. (Five times what I usually spend on any clothing article.)

Now, he’s not foolish enough to go buy me something off the rack and hope I’ll like it, so he went with me to the store and sat in the waiting room while I tried on a bunch of skirts and tops. 

The thing I might now love most about White House| Black Market is not the clothes, but how the sales representative treats you like a celebrity in the fitting rooms. 

It never gets tiring having them tell me how great my sense of style is and how everything I pick up looks fabulous on me. 

The other thing I *really* love  is that in their size range, I’m an XXS. Yes, do go see if you have anything smaller than a “0” please.

 

He ended up getting  me a knit maxi skirt and a silk shirt. I am now 27 and this is the first silk shirt I own. These may very well be the only clothes I own that I will actually bother to dry clean.

I feel like such a dork, especially when this is the other item I really wanted for my birthday:

Han Solo silicon ice cube tray

  

So, if you were me, what frivolous gift would you ask for?